With Love
by windwhisprer
Summary: [postseries][onseshot][3x9]Sometimes, I wonder if this is all real. If Gojyo, Hakkai, you, me… if we’re really real. If we were really four hellions on a mission from hell. Or maybe, maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I’d finally lost my mind.


**A/N: **Hello everyone! Welcome to a very sad little one-shot that I wrote for you. I understand if you hate me afterwards. Please feel free to flame me if you find the need. I think this is the first story I've written that (mostly) takes play _during _the actual last battle. I'm proud of myself. I've wanted to write something that took place then, and here it is. I hope you enjoy.

**With Love,**

Dear Sanzo,

Heh, I've never written a letter before. I never really had to. But, I guess the opportunity called forth. I hope you can read my writing. Everyone says it's real messy. Hell, I hope you're not still mad at me as to throw my letter away. 'Cause, well, I've got some important things that need to be said. So, here goes.

It feels like yesterday we were all seated in the jeep, traveling west. Truth be told I miss those days. Back when the only thing that mattered was fighting off demons and making sure Gojyo didn't steal the last spring roll. Back then I never had to think. Never thought, "What's going to happen after the journey's over?" Because I knew everything was going to be okay. Because I had you Sanzo. And I knew I always would, journey or no. I would follow you to the ends of the earth. To hell and back. I would follow you no matter how many times you hit me. No matter how mad you got. Because you were the sun. And no matter how much it burns, the Earth still needs the Sun.

Sometimes I find myself just wondering what happened. One minute I was a carefree teenager. The next I was an adult, forced to look life and everything it came with. The bloody, brutal truth. I want to forget that truth. Sometimes, I just want to close my eyes, cover my ears and scream until it's all gone. I'm like a child who's afraid of the dark. Afraid of the monsters that hide under my bed. And now that I look the monsters in the face, I wish I hadn't. Sometimes… sometimes I miss those nights in Chang'an. Where it was just you and me and I was too naive to have to worry about anything other then what we were going to have for breakfast.

I still wonder when it turned bad. I've found myself going over the same scenario over and over, and I can't find my answer.

The west was upon us, and we were ready for it. We were big, bad, and totally kickass. And as we approached Houtou castle I felt as if we could take on the world. An army was waiting for us at the gates, but we blew through them. They succeeded in their initial plan though, which was to tire us out. By the time we reached the doors, we were all covered in blood, most of which was our own. We wearily approached the doors, and that was when Kougaiji attacked.

I decided to distract Kougaiji as the rest of the team carried onward. Kougaiji was my opponent and I was determined to take him down my way. None of Kou's companions were around though. I wondered what had happened, but didn't bother to ask. I had a fight to focus on.

We fought for what felt like days. Kou and I whipped attacks back and forth. This wasn't like the fights that we had before, Sanzo. We had death on the mind. We were trying to kill each other. Or at least remove them from battle.

Finally, I broke one of his legs, and several ribs. He fell to the ground, and didn't get up. Fearful, I hurried to the man's side. Heh… you always told me how stupid I was for befriending my enemies. I hate to admit it but you're right. It wasn't a good idea. It would only end in pain, just like it did with Homura. Maybe I was addicted to that pain though. Because I considered Kougaiji as good a friend-- a rival-- as any other.

He was all right though. He told me to go on ahead. I smiled and thanked him, and moved out to find you.

The castle was cloaked in blood when I got there. I could only imagine what demons you faced within these walls, Sanzo. Sometimes I find myself up late at night, wondering. What did you face there? What did you see? I wish I knew. Sometimes. And sometimes I'm glad I don't. I raced to the main lab, horrified to see the battle that was taking place. You were off to the side, Sanzo. I believe you were passed out. Hakkai was holding up a barrier, and Gojyo was fighting out front. They were fighting a horrific monster. One that could've been only created in a lab. I wonder if you saw it, Sanzo. I wonder if it gave you nightmares. Because when I gazed into it's eyes, it haunted me. For several months I couldn't sleep. The creature terrified me like I'd never been before.

I raced t your side, and looked over your wounds. I think you had cracked your head on something. You were all right. Just unconscious. I ran to help Gojyo. I slammed my pole into its skull. I heard something crack, and it gave a low moan. It sickened me. I swore I heard my stomach drop. Surprisingly, I killed it. I'm glad. I hoped I ended its misery.

You had regained consciousness by this point, so I think you know what happened. We retrieved the Seiten scripture, and two others. By then the castle was collapsing in itself. We hurried out, and we were making great time.

Until… you tripped.

I can't describe the pain and horror I felt when I saw you fall. I don't know why you fell. Maybe it was blood loss. Maybe your boot caught a rock. All I knew was that you were falling. I ran back to help you, and yelled at Hakkai and Gojyo to keep running. They got out safe. I'm glad.

I blocked some rocks from hitting you with my body. I remembered hearing you swear. You swore a lot, yelling at me, threatening me to move. But I took every blow for you. I would've sat there for hours, taking every blow heaven could dish out if it meant you would've lived another moment longer. Even though the pain made in seem like it had been hours, really, it was only a few moments before everything went dark, and silent.

I groaned, rolling off you and hitting the floor. I'd broken a few ribs, and sharp rocks had pierced into my back. It wasn't anything I couldn't handle, but damn if it didn't hurt. You seemed concerned. Haha, I'm sorry. I know you weren't. Angry, was more like it. You gingerly pulled the sharp rocks from my back. I'm sorry for crying out. I know it hurt you to hear me like that. I'm sorry.

After they were out we sat. The entire place had been sealed in tight. We were trapped in an airtight cave. A tomb meant just for the two of us. I rolled over, knowing that if we didn't do anything, we'd suffocate. Unfortunately, neither of us was in any shape to dig our way out. I moved to try, but you shut me up with a glare and a threat, telling me if I moved that you'd kill me. Too bad you'd broken your ankle in the fall, eh Sanzo? You couldn't do much for digging either. We were stuck, trapped.

I remembered listening to you dragging yourself to a nearby wall. I listened for over an hour as you attempted to carve our way out with your gun. It must be covered in marks after trying to claw through rock, eh Sanzo? After a while I remembered the air growing thin. It was become difficult to breath. You could feel it too. I listened as your breathing grew almost as ragged as mine, and your clawing stopped. You must've realized it was useless. I know I did.

You slumped against the wall, defeated. I dragged my sorry form closer to you, just to feel your warmth. I knew—just _knew_ we were going to die. And I wanted to be next to you when I did.

We didn't talk much, as I recall. You threatened me a bit, but not much else was said. We spoke to each other through our eyes. One look said more then a thousand words could. Just as we felt death was upon us, there was a break in the wall, and air rapidly flooded in. Gojyo and Hakkai smashed the entire wall up, and I remember we had been gasping for new air, our bodies hungrily absorbing the oxygen. We had won. All of us were alive, and together. I couldn't have been happier.

We found the closest town and rested for over a week. We were together, alive. That was all that mattered.

I don't know how or why it went bad.

All I know was that you, Hakkai, and Gojyo were starting to act weird. Then, one night, you were screaming. I don't know what was going on, only that you were on the ground, screaming, writhing in pain. So I did the only thing I could. I held you, screaming for you to stop. I had to hold your hands at your sides to keep you from digging your nails into your eyes. I placed several pencils between your teeth to keep you from biting through your tongue. I was panicked, frightened. I didn't know what was going on. Then, it stopped, and you fell asleep. I was so frightened, and I went to find Hakkai.

I was horrified at what I found. While I was tending to you, I didn't hear my friend's screams. Hakkai had bit through his tongue in a seizure, and Gojyo… Gojyo had slit his throat to stop the pain. I later learned that what happened that night had to do back to when I left you three. Back to that horrifying demon that looked as though it was in so much pain. It had affected me too, I learned months later. But not as badly as you. Not as badly as Hakkai and Gojyo.

Gojyo, Hakkai, and you too Sanzo, suffered hallucinations. Terrifying images and muscle cramps so bad they rendered you all immobile. Your bodies broke out in seizures, and your pain was all you could think about, both mental and physical. Gojyo had slit his own throat to stop the haunting hallucinations. And Hakkai had bit through his tongue, thanks to the seizures. You, I saved. I clung to you, not leaving your side for a moment for fear that the horrifying episodes would return.

The demon poisoned your minds. They drove you all into insanity. I'm just glad I saved you, Sanzo. You were my life. Hakkai and Gojyo's deaths affected me severely, but yours… yours would've killed me. Months later I was affected by this as well. I had horrifying hallucinations, terribly painful cramps all throughout my body, and much more I could not name. But it was only minimal compared to what you guys suffered.

I wish I knew what had gone on within that castle, Sanzo. But I don't. And I don't think I ever will.

I'm sorry for my long ramble Sanzo. I assume your patience is wearing thin with me. But I needed to get my thoughts straight. I needed to go through everything that had happened to us again. I wanted to see it on paper. I wanted to know it really happened. That's another thing that bothers me, Sanzo. Sometimes, I wonder if this is all real. If Gojyo, Hakkai, you, me… if we're really real. If we were really four hellions on a mission from hell. Or maybe, maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I'd finally lost my mind.

Sanzo, I'm sorry I left Chang'an without any notice. I'm sorry I up and left you without even bothering to say goodbye. But things were on my mind. I needed to straighten some things out. I guess I really didn't think it mattered anymore. I'm sorry again. But I assume you're doing just fine without me. Better, even. You always said how much you hated having me around.

Before I close, there's one more thing that I have to say. I'm still in love with you, Sanzo. Remember back when I was a little kid? Back when you freed me from the mountain? We must've only known each other for a few months. But I kissed you. I kissed you and told you I loved you. You got mad, as usual, but it was true. And to this day I still withhold what I said. I, Son Goku, am in love with Genjyo Sanzo. I love you with all my heart, Sanzo; I just hope you can accept me. Someday, I'll come back to Chang'an. I'll sit there, in my favorite spot, and maybe we can catch up on what happened. And maybe, you'll even return my feelings. Haha, I know its stupid. But… you can't blame a monkey for dreamin' can ya?

I'm glad I took the time to write all this down. And I hope you took the time to read it all. Sitting behind your desk as usual, with a pile of work in front of you. I hope you spared a second from your busy life to look this over, even if it only wound up in the trash anyway.

Thank you, Sanzo. For everything.

I'm glad I could write this letter. Ha… for a while there, it even made me forget you were dead.

With Love,

Goku


End file.
